Pain.
Burdens.
Many different levels of pain.
It doesn’t just stem from one place.
It comes from all over.
Her* death with all the unanswered questions.
Knowing and learning about all the pain she had endured.
How she was treated.
The sacrifices she made.
How lonely she must have felt, even with all the love she had.
Knowing while living she endured more pain than in death.
How she’s better off sleeping in a cold coffin.
He* being present, and not present.
The dictator, not the Comforter.
Years of lack of interest in how my daily life was.
Never appreciating my victory but seeing how I could do better.
Many calls on the phone hearing about everything and everyone.
Finally seeing it took years of separation to really learn his innermost feelings.
Learning that he actually cares.
Her* pain affecting how she treats others
Her pain taking over and becoming her everyday reality.
How she hasn’t fully grasped the way of life.
Certain responsibilities.
Understanding needs over wants.
She’s in pain so everyone must suffer as well.
The high walls that I can’t seem to breakdown.
My efforts to break the walls without causing too much unwanted damage.
The lack of relationship I have with my them*.
Knowing a small part is my fault but the most part was beyond my control.
Knowing that I’m seen as the ‘favorite’ has been a factor.
If I hear from them, it’s only to ask for something.
When I reach out to just say hi, I receive mediocre answers.
Wishing I had friends to do things with on the daily.
Waiting by the phone, to see if my friends want to make plans with me.
Knowing if I don’t reach out, I will never hear from them.
Wanting to go places I know I can go alone, but prefer to have company.
Wanting to make new memories instead of holding on to old memories or what could have been.
The love ones who have passed and gone.
Knowing death is beyond our control.
Knowing life as we know it is coming to an end.
Knowing it will only get worse before it gets better.
The thought of knowing that I basically raised myself.
Raised on doing better than him* and the character genes passed down from her.*
Growing in character as family stays stagnant.
The years of family bickering and bantering.
The years of grudges caused by the head of the family.
Living in her* shadow because of the same personality traits.
Still being seen for who I was before not who I am becoming.
Used only for what I can physically do but not what I can mentally bring to the table.
Am I known for who I am or what I could do?
The many thoughts of this life.
The hardships. The people.
The pain of being left alone with my thoughts.
There’s no escaping pain.
All we can do is transform our pain into power.
Help drive us to do better.
To hopefully lessen the pain.