Peacemaker.
Harmony.
Problem solver.
Mediator.
Mediator? What is a mediator? A peacemaker. A problem solver. Someone who likes harmony. They are all similar. It is a remarkable trait, but it has its downfalls and personal limits.
Are you, in some ways, a mediator? I don’t mean wanting harmony once in a blue moon. I mean all the time. You hate seeing discord. You want to help and fix others’ problems. You love lending an ear to someone and end up trying to find a solution. You feel others’ pain, but it also takes a toll on you, and you want to help.
I am a mediator. I like harmony. I prefer others to get along, not because they just should but to help each party try to understand each other. It became a prevalent part of my life and personality when I started developing wisdom and overcame some of my challenges with God’s help. I also noticed this trait was passed on to me by my mom. As I reflect on this, I realize that out of my entire immediate family, including my uncles and aunts and their children, my mom and I are the only ones who try to be the mediators in our family. Who try to make everyone get along or reach out to those forgotten about, whom others can’t stand. At least, that is what I know and remember seeing.
Now that my mom has passed, it’s just me. I don’t know what it was like for my mom, but it can be a burden. It was a burden to me from a young age and has progressed into different stages growing up. But at what point does it stop? When do you get to realize that you’ve done all you can? You can’t force one to get along with another. You can only point out the problem, hope, and pray they try to find a solution.
I enjoy helping others and being the person people ask for help and guidance. I like to feel needed, but sometimes, in these cases, I have to solve my problems.
Over the years, I learned who to be and who to stop helping when it’s not what they need. I realized I should listen and try not to coach or help based on my experiences. I’ve learned to pace myself and try not to take on someone’s problems as my own. However, with my family, I’ve done the opposite. Instead of drawing near and closer, I’ve been pulling away more and more.
But why?
I don’t know or can’t fully put it into words.
An observation is personal growth. I haven’t seen any personal growth in my family. When I hear the complaints, it becomes annoying and sometimes even painful because it has become a never-ending cycle. Most of the time, it’s the same problems repeatedly, and instead of trying to find a different solution/approach, they stick with the same ways. I’m so annoyed and angry it just puts a damper on my entire mood.
I try to do my best to give advice, but it doesn’t work. I try to help each party understand the other. But why is this my job? They haven’t asked me to step in; I volunteered. But why have I made this my responsibility? I love my family and want them to get along, but when does it stop? It becomes a never-ending cycle. Why do I have to try and make grown adults talk together to try to get to an understanding? I believe it to be childish. But it shows they don’t want to do better and try to make amends. I understand some situations may be hard to maneuver, or one may be dealing with a lot. It shouldn’t be an excuse to try and make amends or reach an understanding. We all deal with a lot, but with personal conviction, we try to be the better person. Well, at least that should be the goal.
I hate what this has done to my love for New York. I hate that my first thought of New York is negative. I think of New York and only associate it with my immediate family. It’s a shame that it is no longer my home but a distant memory. The city has become tainted, and others have been affected by it. Why do I have to make my uncle suffer just because I don’t want to be there? What about the others I knew growing up? Old church family, the remainder of my friends? Ultimately, I’m just trying to do what’s best for my sanity.
I look at 2022 with the hope of a lighter burden. I know it will be hard to listen to the complaints over the next few years, but I’m making it my responsibility not to get involved in family affairs—no more listening to arguments. No more trying to reason with them or butting in. I have been able to grow and do my best to make amends or iron out any poor relationships in my life. I can only hope and pray the same for my family. Sometimes, you can’t help those who don’t want help. I will still care and be there when it is needed. I will be a mediator with some edge.